Now That's Funny!
Here are a few jokes and stories that we have come across here and there. To the
best of our knowledge, none of these are copyrighted. If you know that one of these jokes
or stories are copyrighted, please let us know through e-mail.
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of a
curved road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End is Near! Turn
Yourself Around Now - Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver
yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns
to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his
Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
- The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the minister reported the following results:
-The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
- The second worm in cigarette - Dead.
- The third worm in chocolate - Dead.
- The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this
demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as
your drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
More Church Bulletin Bloopers
-Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
-The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
-Evening massage - 6 p.m.
-The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
-The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
-Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back
door.
-Ushers will eat latecomers.
-The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
-The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break
Forth Into Joy."
-During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon
when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
- Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then
speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
- Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until
further notice.
- Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on
Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the
minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon
her.
- 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha
Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows
Why.
- A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
- Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
-Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
-Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
-The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
-Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
- 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and
to the deterioration of some older ones.
-The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
-Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of
their first child.
-Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Actual Announcements From Church Bulletins
- Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
- Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the
sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please
come early.
- Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in
My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
- Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to
become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the
alter.
- The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
- Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All
those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in
the church basement Friday.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
If Noah built the Ark today. . .
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until
the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to
save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Ok," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have
the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed.
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in
his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed
into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your
plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into
a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors
objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on
cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I
needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement
with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now
we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They
objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted
a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to
resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many
Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to
avoid being taxed by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the State about
owing some kind of use tax.
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, "
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah
asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its
advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood.
Something Man invented himself."
"What's that?", asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh His Last Word:
"Government."
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Original source unknown
Church-Lite
Has the heaviness of your old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the
New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewer
commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt, because we are Low-Cal...
low Calvin, that is. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. We promise 35 minute worship
services, with 7 minute sermons. Next Sunday's exciting text is the story of the Feeding
of the 500.
We have only 6 Commandments-- Your choice!! We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New
Testament *Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings*. We take the offering every other
week, all major credit cards accepted, of course. We are looking forward with great
anticipation to our 800 year Millennium.
Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking
for. We are everything you want in a church... and less!!
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the
announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in
uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening
service?"
